My oldest son once told me a story of riding with a friend while his friend’s father was driving. His friend changed the radio to some music the father wouldn’t normally listen to, and the friend began lip-syncing the music and moving his body in various contortions to the beat, as much as could be done from a passenger seat. The father turned the music off and his son asked, “Why did you do that?” The father looked at him then back to the road, and answered, “Because it’s my job that you don’t become a dumbass.”

Parenting is a lot of work if you’re doing it right. That’s my 20+ years conclusion. There is a bit of good fortune, timing, and luck in any good outcome, but for the most part, I think the tag team model of two vs. one, good cop-bad cop, push a bit - pull a little, is critical to the outcome.

Despite the million-year model of procreation, there is still no handbook for parenting that gets it right every time. You mix two adults who you hope have the same sort of interest and abilities when it comes to parenting, and you produce these walking, talking, farting little things that are a blend of temperament, personality, aptitude, some genetic goo, and before you know it, they can be grown adults both friend and foe under your roof.

This was a great article from Amy Joyce at the Washington Post called The 5 absolute truths I’ve learned in 10 years as a parenting editor.

Joyce based her five truths off of years of both parental and professional work, and though your own five truths may end up being somewhere different, there is enough universal agreement here that I’m adding some further thoughts to hers for you to consider:

Boundaries are good, and your influence matters

What does this mean to me? Don’t let your child be raised by Playstation, their smartphone, or Homer. Know their friends and the parents of friends, especially in pre-high school. You have a few years to plant your flag as a trusted ally when it comes to other friends, other “cool” parents, and other models of behavior and influence. And be careful not to make your influence so “material”. Nurturing is more than buying stuff. Better that they experience some “want” while with you than out on their own. A little bit of guessing and wondering what you might do or think about something is not necessarily a bad thing.

Boundaries are about getting them to adulthood. Not letting them run free, not letting them grow feral. You have to know the difference. Ultimately, it’s not your boundaries that will matter but their ability to set their own in the open world.

Kindness and empathy are learned

I tend to believe there is an inherent goodness in humans that has to be enhanced. Some kids will be natural obstacle climbers while others will struggle, but the intent of doing good is always there. I’ve seen enough kids overcome underachieving parents to realize that kindness is not always learned from the parents, but sometimes observed from others, where kids learn what not to do as much as what to do. All the more reason to have your kids around other successful adults. More on that later.

Let them learn for themselves

This is really more about being a parent that hovers around ready to take over for the child at the sight of any potential discomfort. Something changed in our culture that has made parents fear for their kids to be on their own and to take risks. The best thing one can do as a parent is to let their child make mistakes. It may be the best opportunity for growth they will ever have.

I am much more the parent who would let them explore on their own anyway, while my wife would prefer a little more instruction or safeguards. We meet somewhere in the middle and the result is having kids that ultimately do figure some things out on their own and some things they don’t. The important thing is we are there to offer guidance, not do it for them.

Connection Is the Key

Every parent wants to have that ultimate deep connection with their children, without smothering or stunting growth. You’ll know it when you’ve done it, but the road to getting there takes time.

Make your home a communal space as much as possible. Make it easy to do projects and interact in the open. Limit time alone with technology, especially in their rooms. Touch them and talk to them every day, whether a pat on the back or a “How’s it going”, to full hugs and “Take out the trash”.

A pediatrician once advised me that the best thing for children is to not let them see you angry, and if they do, bring it to a more positive conclusion and move on. This is a worthy goal that I’ve failed at many times. We are all human, but I tend to agree to try and tamper down the fiery parts of the emotional wheel in front of them and enhance the rest. Quick note: we usually do puzzles over the holidays because it requires attention and pulls everyone together.

It Goes Too Fast

I can recall many moments of mindfulness where I told myself to stop and remember this moment, be in this moment, and it worked. Out of the hundreds of times I walked my daughter to school, I remember a few very blissful moments of reminding myself during the act. Out of the hundreds of times I’ve read with my boys, I remember one particular book that we read together and my oldest would say a particular page scared him. I tucked that away knowing it wouldn’t always be scary, and I remember another time we were at Universal Studios and bought an Indiana Jones graphic novel and I gazed at him sitting at a table while the night air was cool and lights were on and people all around, and he sat reading his book.

I sometimes wish we had a universal recorder. I would probably play back the most mundane things, whether riding in the car, sleeping in a tent, or building Legos. We have tons of pictures and notes and now I look back and think I still didn’t slow it down enough.

Try and be in the moment as much as possible, even when waiting at the doctor’s office. That will help.

My kids are old enough now to tell me that no other parent acts like this or does that, or they freely let me know when they think something I’ve done is not good parenting.

Of course, I laugh at them. They are probably right, but I’m not letting them know that….

I want to close this part by including something key to good parenting:

This is Mr. Bob.

Mr. Bob was the walking guard at our school for years on end. The way he interacted with the kids and the way the parents interacted with him, there was a huge respect and love there, and those moments with Mr. Bob are kernels of time that kids will keep and tuck away. I think that’s how it works. How we interact with others when we are around our kids is an extension of our parenting skills.

In the old days, most all of us would see positions like Mr. Bob’s and other members of the community as an extension of parenting in general. We recognized that all adults have a combined mission of ensuring the next generation grows up to take on bigger roles and take over bigger things.

We need to recapture that. Make sure you move through life recognizing all the people that keep things going, whether the person making your sub or the woman delivering your mail, and make sure you let your kids see you do it.

Quick note: If your young person at home knows more about what’s on their phone then the adults that have been in their life, wake up. There’s work to do.

And Now….

I should come up with some kind of symbol for movies. I would rate this as well worth seeing. It was a thought-provoking and captivating film that delves deep into the intricate layers of the American psyche. If shit really did hit the fan, how would you respond? Think about that. How would you react? Can your survival and morals co-exist?

This movie covered some complex themes that you’ll catch as you watch, from what it means to be a good neighbor, the pervasive presence of distrust and fear, the haunting history of racism, and the detrimental habit of judging a book by its cover.

The film is focused on two families who are forced to confront their differences and navigate their way through the challenges that arise. As we immerse ourselves in this gripping narrative, we are reminded that it is not merely the destination that matters, but the profound impact of the journey itself. The film tantalizingly keeps us on the edge of our seats, never fully revealing the outcome (and there is a bit of online chatter concerning the ending). We are left to ponder and speculate, relying on our educated guesses to piece together the puzzle. It is within these reactions and judgments that the true essence of the film comes to life, provoking us to question our own biases and preconceived notions.

If you like this kind of film, I cover similar conundrums in my book Downfall.

You’ve come to the end…

Keep reading over the holidays, and remember, being a good parent starts with being a good human.